“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
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Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.