I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.