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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
we all know this pain all too well
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?