This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
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[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).