“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
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This is Sparta
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Every photo I’m tagged in
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator