This is Sparta
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And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”