I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
You Might Also Like
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My Sentiments Exactly
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.