This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
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“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”