Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.