It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Single and childfree like Jesus
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.