13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I know
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..