The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
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We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Still my favourite meme.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My dating profile:
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!