Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
is this a warning or an offer?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.