Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
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I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Sorry. Not sorry
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
couldn’t resist
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.