-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?