Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears