INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
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How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud