As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Running from your problems is cardio .
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
@funTweeters
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything