[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
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My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*orders delivery*
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I love wikipedia
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.