Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
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I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.