ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
doing your own taxes
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.