she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
People buying plungers never look happy.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
three things we don’t talk about
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.