GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I have so many questions.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.