Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
You Might Also Like
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”