bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
You Might Also Like
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”