Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
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Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha