When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
At least try to make it slightly believable
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]