The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I beg your pardon?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what