ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
You Might Also Like
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ