*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Watermelon Boss!
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Raisins are grape jerky.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.