Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.