This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
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My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*