Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”