Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.