I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
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Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.