My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
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When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Found my door mat
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.