Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.