I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
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People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Beyonc茅: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyonc茅: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Me: At the start of this year, I never could鈥檝e guessed I鈥檇 be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What鈥檚 Animal Crossing?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she鈥檚 now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I鈥檝e done.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 馃槄 Congratulations England, richly deserved 馃憦馃徑馃弳 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I鈥檓 sure it鈥檚 fine.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It鈥檚 true, I saw it with my own eyes.