Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
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You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.