doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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marvel comics have peaked
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
my professor scared me for a second
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Most fashion shows these days…
Meow
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.