*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
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[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
For the ones in the back.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.