Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
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The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?