I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
You Might Also Like
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
this is uni
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
me opening up to someone
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them