It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
If only
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”