Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Perfect
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.