I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Just a phase…
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)