[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
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Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.