Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
You Might Also Like
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Lmfao
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
how high up are we talkin’?