Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
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Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks