They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.